“Every incident chips away at your limit. Every time you choose to stay, it makes the next time that much harder to leave. Eventually, you lose sight of your limit altogether, because you start to think, ‘I’ve lasted five years now. What’s five more?’” - Lily Bloom, It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
This post has been a long time coming, and yet I've tried so
hard to avoid writing it. I tried to talk
about the issues of the Dallas burlesque scene in general terms. Then I mentioned specifics while framing them
as apologies to Black performers who have definitely experienced more shit than
I have. That post comes across
performative although at the time, it was the only way I could expose some of
the problematic behavior in our scene. I
was afraid of being blacklisted for doing so because that does happen.
However, I'm done staying quiet and being complicit. I'm done enduring; and therefore I will be
taking an indefinite pause from live shows, especially in the North Texas area,
and resigning as a co-producer of Tuesday Tease.
What sparked all of this was Emma D'Lemma's post about
abusive behavior relating to some of the production team of Viva Dallas
Burlesque. Their life was in danger, and
that is unacceptable. Moreover, I cannot
condone their defense of a VIP who has sexually harassed performers. An argument was made that this was a misunderstanding,
but after learning of multiple predators in the cosplay and steampunk scenes
(some of whom have done horrible things), I can't accept a "both
sides" argument when there are multiple allegations. I'll talk more about Viva Dallas Burlesque
later, but we have to go back to the start of my career to understand how long
and far-reaching some of the problems in our scene are.
When I started as a stage kitten with the Dallas Burlesque
Festival and Ruby Revue, I had no idea that I should have been paid for the job. There has been a lot of revelations of unprofessional
business practices and mistreatment of performers and crew in Mr. Liqueur's
Facebook post. I never questioned the
lack of consistent pay for stage kittens because one of the producers implied
that it was a huge "honor" to be in an elite production. Little did I know that I was being gaslit, but
I soon picked up on my lack of value to the troupe. Despite having auditioned and formally
assigned a role, I soon found myself replaced by taller, thinner, and
frequently white women who had closer relationships with the producers
(although one did reveal to me that the closeness led to more manipulation and
abuse).
The manipulative behavior of producers and cliquish nature of
troupes would follow me through Fuego Danza Company, Dallas School of Burlesque
Cats, and as a soloist. I participated in
the gossip and snide comments to try to fit in.
Once I silently endured a pulled hamstring due to the pressure to win an
award at the San Antonio Burlesque Festival, and the subsequent bad
sportsmanship from some Fuego troupemates led to me to blame myself for our loss, as I had made
a mistake in our performance. I'd seen
how people were quickly kicked out a troupe (especially Fuego) or ostracized
from parts of the North Texas burlesque scene.
I just wanted to dance, and unfortunately I condoned and participated in
some harmful behavior to do so.
RuRu DuBois has spoken out about her mistreatment while in the
Dallas School of Burlesque Cats. I don't
have much to say about my time in that troupe because once again, I was shut
out of opportunities after a couple of scheduling conflicts. It cannot be mere coincidence that RuRu and
I, along with other POC, experienced enough issues with the troupe that we left
while our white counterparts got more opportunities.
After I quit the Cats and Fuego basically dissolved itself, I
worked my hardest to get my name out in as many local shows that would accept a
nerdy, often-androgynous performer. I
was also learned the ropes of producing as a member of the Tuesday Tease
production team. Tease will forever
remain close to my heart, but I started developing stress related to criticisms
I'd hear about lack of diversity, the need for trigger warnings, and problematic
members of the cast and crew. I tried to
remain neutral and have issues addressed.
However, it was an uphill battle, as more people were labeled "problematic" without the opportunity to make amends and some of the
producers didn't bother to read submissions or reply to performers who were trying to get into the scene.
At the shows, I was having some communication issues with
cast and crew, as my authority as producer wasn't always acknowledged and
respected. I kept my struggles hidden
because I wanted so badly for Tease to still be the place that was welcoming of
all identities, performance styles, and experiences. I could at least try for my own shows although the increasing number of people added to our black list was making it
difficult.
There was a more selfish reason to stay silent about issues:
I didn't want to lose the few performance opportunities presented to me. Despite my efforts to cast a wide net, I only
found myself booked in queerlesque shows, Dallas Burlesque Festival
(pre-boycott), and Viva Dallas Burlesque.
In addition to Emma's post, Courtney Crave, Kimber Fox, Lily Liqueur, Miss Malicious, and Black Mariah have spoken about threats and verbal abuse. As I read everyone's accounts, I knew I could
not brush aside stories I'd heard as "personal grudges" or "one
side of a story". I also knew I had
to speak up about an issue I've had with the show: the all-white casts,
particularly the nerdlesque ones.
Being a nerd of color is already hard. When POC nerdlesque dancers get shut out, we
have a problem. I knew that POC anger
can be used against us so I never spoke up.
However, other performers did, and I learned that they were met with the
excuse of "There were no POC
submissions" or "No POC were available". That is a LIE. I have submitted many a nerdlesque act to
Viva Dallas Burlesque, and I know I can't be forgettable if one of the producer
sees me as the "only" Asian burlesque dancer in Dallas (an actual
statement made to me and very untrue). It calls into question the times I was hired, particularly the last show where my name was brought up for the Star Wards show, which remained all-white despite Lily dropping out in protest, and getting my Crazy Rich Asians act booked the next month. I feel like a diversity hire.
Worst of all is that I have heard the same excuses when
confronting the issue of lack of diversity in Tuesday Tease (and by lack of
diversity, I don't just mean lack of different identities but literally the
same handful of POC being cast). I know
it can be hard for a weekday show in a bar that often has a super niche theme,
but the onus is on the producer to look harder.
I admit that I could have done better in my shows and in pushing for it
in the other Teases. I could have spoken
up about issues relating to accusations of favoritism and feelings of exclusion in our queer community, particularly when expressed by POC and trans folks. My silence is complicity, and even worse, I occasionally lied to protect the show, cast and crew, and venue. The cost at times was the pain of others, and I apologize for being a part of this problem of
exclusion and abuse of power.
I don't think this is just a problem in North Texas. I've come across suspicious excuses or silence after seemingly scoring out-of-town opportunities. Maybe I wasn't what they were looking for, but I no longer want to entertain conspiracy theories or excuses for bad behavior. I'm cutting my ties from
a scene whose support of me seemed mainly superficial. At the same time, I don't want
abusers to continue taking advantage of people, and that's why I'm sharing
common examples of manipulation and will gives more specifics to anyone who
asks. I don't want another person to
experience the amount of stress, frustration, tokenization, and loneliness that
I internalized.
There is a world of virtual shows that has put me in touch
with genuinely kind producers and with shows that include marginalized voices
and the nerdiest of acts. That’s where
you can find me. I know the Dallas burlesque
scene loved the nerdy, awkward femme who was "Black Glasses" Hana
from seven years ago. I haven't been
that performer in a while so I suppose this is a good time to walk away and
focus on my mental health and performance quality that has suffered from all
the stress. I only hope that when I come
back to doing in-person shows locally, the scene will become healthier and more
supportive of ALL performers.
