Performance While Neurodivergent and Mentally Ill

"Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
I haven't had a shower in the last nine days (Ah-ah, ah)
Staring at the ceiling and waiting for this feeling to go away
But it won't go away." - "Shit" by Bo Burnham, Inside

I had a different post planned, but I wound up watching Bo Burnham's Inside while crafting and although it's not my favorite comedy/dramatic special, there's parts of it that resonated with me.  It made me feel like I should switch to my planned post about being a performer with a mental illness, which recently has been expanded with "and neurodivergence".  The Muses must be at work since it's also Neurodiversity Celebration Week.

Let's start with my latest diagnosis: autism spectrum disorder.  I've suspected that I've had it, which is partly why I sought evaluation (from The Gracious Mind in case anyone in North Texas would like a resource).  However, I never considered how it might affect my life as a performer until now.  My experience isn't the same for all performers on the spectrum. I'm also contending with ADHD and anxiety, which contributes to the struggles.  

I appreciate Hannah Gasby even more now that I know I'm on the spectrum.

One of my greatest frustrations is knowing that I can do more to sell myself and my art, but really not having the energy for it.  It's very difficult for me to connect with people, whether they are audience members, producers, or fellow performers.  My style of performance is akin to presenting a thesis, and I can only hope that people find it interesting.  Shows where I have to interact with audience members are harder for me since the one-on-one interaction bring me great anxiety.  Unfortunately I can't really fake confidence or even interest so hustling for tips or the schmoozing after shows is lost on me. 

It's a bummer since I do want to make more burlesque friends and get more gigs.  And yes, I do want to reach more people (as in getting more fans, but also I really like the few conversations I have where people like my Easter eggs or just the overall theme of my act).  It sounds a bit contradictory after what I said about one-on-one interactions, but finding a way to connect makes me value the experience.

I'm not your typical burlesque performer off- and on-stage, and I stopped hiding it early in my career.  The idea of having a persona was appealing because it's how I could comfortably present part of me I usually felt too self-conscious to share.  However, at some point, I realized that I have zero interest in being what others want even if they're the ones paying the bills.  As a result, Hana Li the performer is pretty close to who I am (just maybe less anxious and loves her body more).  It's exhausting to perform as a neurotypical individual on a daily basis so I like being able to turn that part off.  I often joke about how several of my acts involve me having some crisis on-stage, and I think that's the result of being authentic.

A lot of performers shared the last 2/3rds of this meme (sans red text), but I added another hoodie Rami Malek since my act usually starts with angst or awkwardness. 

Something I am trying to work on is my procrastination and lack of focus, which leads to unprofessionalism.  While my ADHD diagnosis is relatively as well, I know I've struggled with time management and a pre-show state of panic that makes me forget something or be grouchy at The Companion.  Now that I have more insight on how my brain works and am resuming, I can figure out how to break this cycle (since all the tricks and tips I've tried have never stuck) and be someone better to work with.  Also on the producer side, I recognize that I am very oblivious to things around the show because I am focused on the production itself so I can directly ask for help to watch for potential issues.  I am very sorry to cast and crew who have been hurt by my inability to be aware of surroundings and am grateful for stage managers and co-producers who have stepped in.

No performer is an island even if we produce a solo piece like Inside and our brains tell us that we're alone.  I'm probably going to write more about my neurodivergence and mental illness, but for now, I'll just let this peek behind the curtain suffice.  While burlesque performers look like we have it all together and want all the attention, we might actually be wanting to hide under the covers in our PJs.

Tuesday night, there may be more candid conversation, as I am appearing on Papi Churro's Twitch talk show, Papi's Friends.  There will be videos of performances in between the conversation.  Show starts at 10:30 PM CST, and there's a $10 suggested donation.