Accountability and Apologies: On Being a Better Ally

Updated 7/3/20 to include Nox Falls

Originally I was going to share Raven Rose's now-open letter to her former troupe Foul Play Cabaret on my personal Facebook.  Then I remembered her comments on her Instagram, "I wanted the accountability and apology to be as public as the erasure and denial was so that any progressive strides made by their brand could be rooted in integrity and we could move forward AS a community, FOR our community."  Parts of her experience resonated with me, as I've talked about negative group interactions myself in a previous post, but I have also been on the other side.  Therefore I am taking this time to hold myself accountable in perpetuating the oppression faced by black burlesque performers.

To Lyric Laveau, I apologize for assuming that you were on hiatus and leaving you out of my list of Black performers initially.  Assumptions are not something producers should be making, and I will remember to consider you for future shows.

To Donna Denise, I apologize for not taking steps to clarify our initial interaction as part of a acting workshop and not being intimidation.  Although we were in the middle of a theatre exercise, I still made the poor decision to slink away.  My choice to portray fear reinforced negative stereotypes thrust upon black women.   Moreover I didn’t talk to you afterwards and left you with the emotional labor of clearing the air.  I'm glad you gave me the chance to come clean, and now I understand how even fictional emotions can be hurtful.

To Fat Bottom Cabaret, I apologize for not standing up to my troupemates when they insulted you behind your backs after the San Antonio Burlesque Festival.  Y'all deserved to win Best Troupe, and I was too afraid of getting kicked out since some of the blame lied with me for our loss.  I should have left the group rather than participate in the bitter trash talking that happened afterward.

To Ms. Liquid, I apologize for all the times I left you with messes on-stage to clean-up.  While it is the duty of Tease's stage manager and stage kitten to be in charge of clearing the stage, I've realized harmful stereotypes our production may be accidentally reinforcing when the only Black woman is doing all the cleaning and running around.  As a producer, I promise to do better in assisting you and to continue to cast more Black performers (yourself included because you do deserve a break).

To Vylette Vivacious and Helena Isis, I apologize for not being a friend when you needed an ally and not a producer.  I was taught to maintain a level of professionalism when it comes to producing, and I had extended it to our panels at All-con.  However, sometimes I hide behind that wall when I'm not ready to deal with difficult questions.  I am still not sure how to navigate the trick boundary between producer, fellow performer, and friend, but I know that I can give more honest feedback and let y'all speak more when we do our diversity panels. 

To Nox Falls, I apologize for believing the rumors against you and trying to keep my distance until a friend shared the truth.  I'm also sorry for forgetting about the slander and for being complicit in the racist presumption that Black people are guilty. (For everyone who would like to know Nox's story, please read their statement: part one and part two.)

In the past, I brushed off my actions as "accidental" or "complicated".  The reality is that they still reinforce racist ideas.  Too often producers are quick to say that we are looking for "quality" and "professionalism", but we must ask ourselves what we mean by that when we pass on Black performers.  Yes there are individuals of all race who aren't a good fit for a particular or are actually problematic, but I am wondering if we are too quick to dismiss someone when we can resolve the issue or offer them advice on how to improve.  Even if I don't have all the answers, I know I can do better as a producer and an ally.

That's why I've decided to be transparent about past mistakes and future goals.  Prior to quarantine, I had been focused on myself, out of frustration and exhaustion.  Although taking care of oneself is important, I can use my privilege to help elevate Black voices.  I'm going to continue to seek out Black performers and Black instructors and to support POC shows.  I hope my fellow non-Black burlesque performers and producers can do the same.  There's a lot of work to be done.