Upcoming show: Asexy Tease

Tonight's show is a special one.  I used to think I was alone in being a grey-asexual burlesque performer, but now I know so many that I can do a showcase in celebration of Asexual Awareness Week. I'll definite write more about this afterwards, but if you can, please come and show your support!

My Ecdysiastic Existential Crisis

It's been a while, huh?  Until recently, I hadn't gone anywhere: I was just burning myself into a pile of ashes.  It's pretty jarring to listen to someone talking about their burn-out on NPR and recognizing their symptoms as what you feel.  The worst part was that I had no remedy until disappearing for basically two weeks on vacation.

It didn't help that I felt like I peaked
with my debut in 2014.
Photo by Cher Musico

Even if I view burlesque as a hobby, the professionalism and dedication required to be a successful burlesque performer and producer makes it another job.  Being burned-out from my primary job led to burn-out in my side hustle, and that was leading to self-sabotage.  I was failing at time management, and I could see the quality of my performances declining with the increased excuses of being "too tired" to rehearse.  It was becoming difficult to remain positive as I got rejected from gigs.  Then the cycle kept feeding into itself.

The vacation, which included a bit of unplugging, should have recharged me.  In my day job, I had resolved to draw better boundaries.  Additionally I was sleeping and eating better.  The only aspect of my life that seemed to be stuck was burlesque.  I was wondering if the burlesque world needed me—if I needed burlesque in my life.  Those two are intrinsically linked in the world of performance.  I can spend as much time as I want bumping and grinding in my living room or a studio, but there's no point to dropping a bunch of money and spending hours making a costume that no one will see.  Thus I was left with a question: what do I do?

My peers were recommending that I take a break, but it's what I had been doing since the end of July, half willingly and half unwillingly (in that I just wasn't booking gigs).  Plus I've talked about going on a break before, only to change my mind when I get an idea for an act to submit or see an opportunity I can't miss.  Continue, pause, quit— the options kept cycling through my mind until Olympic snowboarder Chloe Kim made an announcement:

I knew she had been planning a hiatus, but hearing her say it herself shed light on my situation.  A break doesn't have to be permanent, and I should have confidence in my ability to come back even if the burlesque world keeps getting more competitive.  I can continue dancing and even working on routines, but I'll step away from submitting to so many shows.  Forget this "Book one show a month goal".  2020 will be a more passive year but no less productive (I say 2020 because I already have some upcoming shows and plans to the end of 2019 and the first Tease of 2020). 

Moreover, burlesque was going take second priority in my hobbies.  I'm going to pursue more action sports, which will always be my first love despite ending up on the backburner many times. Instead of attending shows, I wanna go to more skate/BMX events, or even just stay at home to check out their debut in the Olympics.  Before my vacation, I took up skateboarding, and I've resolved to be more fearless, as I used to hold back for fear of injury. 

This break also means Tony Fo-Hawk
will be harder to pin down, but
you can't get rid of him that easily.
Photo by Tanya Forno

Boy did I eat my words.  I'm currently nursing a pulled quad from a fall that happened.  I wasn't even doing anything risky; I was merely not paying close enough attention.  Had I not been so inspired by Chloe's video and my experience in Minneapolis, where I couldn't get any burlesque gigs but had the time of my life at the X Games and entering a drag contest, I would have returned to my original dilemma.  Don't get me wrong: I have my grumpy and bummed moods at being semi-immobile.  However, I'm more determined to get back on my skateboard and focus on grinding of a different sort (okay I'm not quite there yet, but I can dream).

I've returned here only to somewhat go away for a bit in the performance-sense.  I think I might start writing more again because I won't be so worked up in trying to finish an act or prepare for a show.  So you won't be rid of Hana Li just yet.