It's been
a while, huh? Until recently, I hadn't
gone anywhere: I was just burning myself into a pile of ashes. It's pretty jarring to listen to someone
talking about their burn-out on NPR and recognizing their symptoms as what you
feel. The worst part was that I had no
remedy until disappearing for basically two weeks on vacation.
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| It didn't help that I felt like I peaked with my debut in 2014. Photo by Cher Musico |
Even if I
view burlesque as a hobby, the professionalism and dedication required to be a
successful burlesque performer and producer makes it another job. Being burned-out from my primary job led to
burn-out in my side hustle, and that was leading to self-sabotage. I was failing at time management, and I could
see the quality of my performances declining with the increased excuses of
being "too tired" to rehearse.
It was becoming difficult to remain positive as I got rejected from
gigs. Then the cycle kept feeding into
itself.
The
vacation, which included a bit of unplugging, should have recharged me. In my day job, I had resolved to draw better
boundaries. Additionally I was sleeping
and eating better. The only aspect of my
life that seemed to be stuck was burlesque.
I was wondering if the burlesque world needed me—if I needed burlesque
in my life. Those two are intrinsically
linked in the world of performance. I
can spend as much time as I want bumping and grinding in my living room or a
studio, but there's no point to dropping a bunch of money and spending hours
making a costume that no one will see.
Thus I was left with a question: what do I do?
My peers
were recommending that I take a break, but it's what I had been doing since the
end of July, half willingly and half unwillingly (in that I just wasn't booking
gigs). Plus I've talked about going on a
break before, only to change my mind when I get an idea for an act to submit or
see an opportunity I can't miss.
Continue, pause, quit— the options kept cycling through my mind until
Olympic snowboarder Chloe Kim made an announcement:
I knew she
had been planning a hiatus, but hearing her say it herself shed light on my
situation. A break doesn't have to be
permanent, and I should have confidence in my ability to come back even if the
burlesque world keeps getting more competitive.
I can continue dancing and even working on routines, but I'll step away
from submitting to so many shows. Forget
this "Book one show a month goal".
2020 will be a more passive year but no less productive (I say 2020
because I already have some upcoming shows and plans to the end of 2019 and the
first Tease of 2020).
Moreover,
burlesque was going take second priority in my hobbies. I'm going to pursue more action sports, which
will always be my first love despite ending up on the backburner many times. Instead
of attending shows, I wanna go to more skate/BMX events, or even just stay at
home to check out their debut in the Olympics.
Before my vacation, I took up skateboarding, and I've resolved to be
more fearless, as I used to hold back for fear of injury.
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| This break also means Tony Fo-Hawk will be harder to pin down, but you can't get rid of him that easily. Photo by Tanya Forno |
Boy did I
eat my words. I'm currently nursing a
pulled quad from a fall that happened. I
wasn't even doing anything risky; I was merely not paying close enough
attention. Had I not been so inspired by
Chloe's video and my experience in Minneapolis, where I couldn't get any
burlesque gigs but had the time of my life at the X Games and entering a drag contest,
I would have returned to my original dilemma.
Don't get me wrong: I have my grumpy and bummed moods at being
semi-immobile. However, I'm more
determined to get back on my skateboard and focus on grinding of a different
sort (okay I'm not quite there yet, but I can dream).
I've returned here only to somewhat go away for a bit in the performance-sense. I think I might start writing more again because I won't be so worked up in trying to finish an act or prepare for a show. So you won't be rid of Hana Li just yet.
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