"We are rag dolls made out of many ages and skins, changelings who
have slept in wood nests or hissed in the uncouth guise of waddling
amphibians. We have played such roles for infinitely longer ages than
we have been men. Our identity is a dream." - Loren Eisley, The Unexpected Universe
Originally
I had planned on revisiting my
"Identity in Burlesque" post in the
context of the racial discussions that have cropped up in burlesque and
cosplay, as well as a follow-up to National Coming Out Day.
However, the former
has been addressed by many
already (please check out those links), and I don't really need to come out
again.
Rather I've been turning inward, and so
that's what this update will be about.
 |
Repping asexuality and
genderqueerness at the 2014
pride parade |
I have
been asking myself questions as of late.
Where does Hana Li end and
Tony Fo-Hawk begin?
Do I continue developing my O-Ren Ishii act
when it doesn't feel "me" yet its message is so important to me?
Can I pull off an asexual pride act?
Does my tagline still work if I'm no longer a
lab tech?
Will I have to chance the
background of this blog when I stop working with flies?
The last
two questions seem frivolous, but they are a part of who I am. As much as I try to keep my mundane self out
of Hana Li, we're still one person at the end of the day. Through my hamstring injury, which turned out
to be a consequence of a lower back problem, I learned that you can't keep your
identities completely separate when you share a body.
Likewise I
cannot keep my politics apart from my art because
my body is political on many
levels.
It's just like how burlesque (in
its current form) is always sexual.
I've
seen that discussion pop up, and I debate whether I should jump in with my own
two cents as a
grey-asexual.
Just
because the art is sexual doesn't mean that the performer is.
I know some of you may struggle with
reconciling that, but know that I still struggle with being viewed sexually.
 |
O-Ren Ishii's Chinese side comes out at
A Plumb Askew Revue: Popcorn and Pasties.
By Miracle Bennet
HAMU by Vivienne Vermuth |
Further
complicating that is how my race often gets sexualized.
I want to be more political in terms of
presenting myself as an Asian woman, and that's partly why I still feel
dissatisfied with my O-Ren Ishii act.
It's
about one's Asian and American identity, and I don't think that's 100%
clear.
I also worry about being
appropriative as I am not Japanese.
Lastly, the act doesn't feel like it fits with the identity I have
developed as Hana Li.
Maybe my
inner O-Ren is an aspect of myself I need to further explore, but that brings
me to the first question I had asked.
Burlesque was supposed to be a way for me to express my feminine
side. However, I have been unable to
ignore my masculine side. I get my
inspiration from male characters, and I'm more a pants type of gal than a
glove-and-gown type. If you've been
following my career thus far, you may have noticed that I am getting more androgynous. That's who I really am inside, and I've
figured out how to incorporate my classic training to suit that aesthetic. I never intended to do drag, but that was
inevitable with the way I have been progressing. Tony can do things that don't work well with
Hana.
My next
couple of posts are going to return to recapping my performances from the last
few months.
Instead of going chronologically
though,
I'm going to trace how I've
learned to embrace my genderqueerness and how Tony Fo-Hawk came to be.
I’m excited to have you along for the ride.
 |
Tony Fo-Hawk
By Tanya Forno |
