Celebrity Crush Tease Part 2: Son of Rage and Love

"I don't feel any shame, I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go" - "Jesus of Suburbia" by Green Day

As I mentioned in Part 1, Tony Fo-Hawk's Billie Joe Armstrong act for Tuesday Tease's Celebrity Crush show morphed into something else entirely.  Green Day's American Idiot is one of those albums that has changed my life forever.  It continued to do so through the years as I saw the "Jesus of Suburbia" music video and the Broadway musical.  I connected with the Jesus of Suburbia character (Johnny in the musical) so much that he partly inspired a short story of mine.  

Although my college theatre days were behind me by the time the stage production debuted, I still fantasized about playing Johnny or his alter-ego St. Jimmy, who has been portrayed by women.  I'd been thinking about whether I could do an American Idiot act for one of the Broadway-themed shows that occasionally pop up or even a punk rock show.  Then I found my opportunity with Celebrity Crush.

Photo by Brandy Lynne Photography

Because the Jesus of Suburbia had an alter-ego, I decided that this would be the one time that the Tony and Hana would share the stage in the same number.  While choreographing the routine, I realized that it could not only be about the dissatisfaction I felt with my current identity (outside the glitter world), but it could also explore my complicated relationship with gender.  You see, the musical version of "Jesus of Suburbia" features many cast members, including some of the women.  I decided to work the female vocals in to represent the transition from Tony to Hana.  I drew upon some classic burlesque moves to highlight my attempt to force femininity upon myself, which was what led me to burlesque in the first place.

The transition also reflection my constant questioning of whether my genderqueerness is a result of internalized misogyny or an actual reflection of who I am.  I don't think I'll ever have a definite answer, but I know that I am okay with people seeing me as female as long as they acknowledge that I do have a masculine side and do things that code as "male".  The ending of my act is supposed to reflect that.  As the Jesus of Suburbia leaves town in hopes of finding a better future, I go forward hoping to find acceptance, both from the people around me and myself.

Photo by Brandy Lynne Photography

Once I realized that this routine would represent my truest self, I really threw myself in the rehearsal process (I had the bruises to show for it).  This was also when I was struggling a lot with my new day job so it was nice to have an outlet for the frustration and self-loathing.  Once again, American Idiot has provided some solace for when things just seem to unbearable.  If I ever meet Green Day, I will have to give them so many thanks for giving me so much.

Speaking of giving, I'm making a rare appearance in Denton tomorrow to give Cheyenne and Nephenee a proper send-off to the North in marital bliss.  Cheyenne was one of my Academy of Queerlesque classmates and has always been supportive of my career.  So if you're in the neighborhood, please come celebrate with us at Glitterbomb!

All-con 2016 photos and upcoming show

I've been busy working on a bunch of things lately, but I'll resume blogging in May.  In the meantime I'd like to share some of my cosplay photos from All-con by Neither Noir.

Lois Lane (DC Bombshells)

Flannery (Pokemon anime)

Tuxedo Mask (Sailor Moon)

One of the things I've been working on is producing a new Tuesday Tease.  The show is this Tuesday and is comic book-themed.  Please come by if you're in the area.  We're having a costume contest too!

Flyer by Lisa Brank

Celeb Crush Tease Part 1: Make Me Wanna Dance Sexy

"Never was a girl with a wicked mind
But everything looks better when the sun goes down" - "Make Me Wanna Die" by The Pretty Reckless

Since the Tuesday Tease Team announced the themes for our winter/spring season, the gears in my head started turning.  The Celebrity Crush show jumped out at me because a lot of my crushes stem from a deep admiration.  I love them because I want to be like them, and this was my opportunity to embody the traits I wish to have while simultaneously highlighting the things we have in common.  The question remained: who would I portray?

Embed from Getty Images

Initially I thought it would be amusing to be a fictional character, but people would just think I'm the actor.  I could have Tony Fo-Hawk impersonate another action sports athlete, but the winter months made it hard to train and lack of recognition would make the act a harder sell.  Eventually I settled on two musicians: Taylor Momsen of The Pretty Reckless and Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.  My Billie Joe act grew into a bigger monster due the influence American Idiot and the corresponding Broadway musical had on my life.  Therefore I'm saving that for another post.

Photo by Brandy Lynne Photography

One of the ways I express my crushes is through cosplay.  As a sucker for badass rocker girls, I've been a huge fan of The Pretty Reckless and Taylor Momsen.  For a few years now, I've  wanted to cosplays her as her Gossip Girl character, Jenny Humphrey, from the later seasons.  Since that never happened, I could do a routine to The Pretty Reckless, who have some sexy tunes.  Hell, Taylor herself strips in the video for "Make Me Wanna Die".

Taylor is so brazen with her attitude and sexuality that I knew this tribute act would be a challenge.  At the same time, I was excited to truly get down and dirty.  Even if I'm not very sexual in real life, I can create the illusion.  That's what drew me to burlesque in the first place.

Trying to figure out the costume was simultaneously easy and hard.  Taylor's aesthetic crossed over a little bit with Nana Osaki (a rock 'n' roll manga character I love cosplaying), and I saw many photos of her studded white Sex Trash dress, which I could easily replicate.  However, I needed to amp up the sex appeal and get higher heels.  The latter scared me because I wanted to incorporate more complex dance moves, including a transition to the floor that I learned in a workshop with Red Bone.  Thankfully I found some sturdy heels and broke them in at one of the Dallas Burlesque Festival shows.  I also did a lot of practicing in my tiny kitchen to make sure I wouldn't slip.

Photo by Brandy Lynne Photography

Performing as Taylor Momsen gave me a newfound sense of power on-stage.  While The Pretty Reckless' songs always get me amped up, putting on the wig and the make-up was a complete transformation.  The sexy moves I felt awkward when I'm in dance class or practicing on my own doing felt more natural.  I interacted the crowd a lot more (and earned a new fan afterward).  Rock music has always helped me express a side that often gets suppressed, and I'm glad I had the chance to bring that side to the burlesque stage.  I don't have to be an awkward tomboy nerd all the time—I can be bold, naughty, fierce, and wild.  I can be a little bit cool like Taylor.

This new-found attitude will hopefully manifest itself in my next performance.  The Tarantino show is back, which means the return of O-Ren Ishii.  Click here for tickets.

3-11 Charity Matching and All-con Panels

For those of you who don't know already, Japan holds a special place in my heart.  I lived there for a year in a city not too far from where the earthquake and tsunami hit in 2011.  Although I was already back in the U.S. then, I knew many people there that it was a very difficult couple of weeks.  Now it's been five years, and I want to do something special.

Today, and today only (March 11), I am holding a special with my Ladies of Power prints.  Not only will the money you spend go towards Girls Education International as on any other day, but I will also contribute the exact same amount to the Taylor Anderson Memorial Fund on top of what I donate annually. Supplies are limited, but if there is enough of a demand, I may take orders via Facebook and order a new batch.  Click here to buy the prints.

Photo by HendrixHunter Photography

Photo by HendrixHunter Photography
HAMU by Meghan Palla

In other news, I will be appearing at All-con doing several panels with some friends (along with a new one solo).  Hope to see you there!

Friday, March 18
- 2 PM: Nerdlesque
- 7 PM: History of Burlesque
- 8 PM: Ladies of Power (17+ version)

Saturday
- 11 AM: Ladies of Power
- 2 PM: Classic Hollywood's Forgotten Asian Superstars
- 7 PM: Ignorance and Fandom

Sunday
- 11 AM: Nerdlesque

All-con 2014 - Nerdlesque panel with Black Mariah
Photo by Long Le

Burlesque, For Me, Is Not About Sex

 "Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets." - Andy Warhol

I talk about my orientation—grey-asexual—a lot.  That's because many people still don't know that asexuality, much less grey-asexuality or greysexuality (I go with grey-a because I lean towards the ace side of the spectrum), is an orientation and not just a mode of reproduction.  Furthermore, it gives me a unique perspective on burlesque.

Recently two articles have inspired me to revisit the subject of asexuality as it relates to striptease.  The first is The Irresistible O's "Sexual Orientation and Burlesque: The Dirty Word", which is about how burlesque is still not as open to queer performers as one might think.  We may be more accepting than the mainstream, but the need for a queerlesque festival highlights the fact that there's much more work to do.  I had commented that I sometimes question whether I have a place when my fellow performers emphasize the sexual aspect of burlesque.  O encouraged me to share my view, and that's what I have decided to do after I saw another article, "Burlesque Performer: You Are Not a Sex Worker" by Mary Cyn.  When I tried to share why I agree with many of her points, I noticed the connections with asexuality and thus this post was born.

That sock I'm removing has the colors of ace pride.  I couldn't resist.
From Tuesday Tease: Dirty Nerdy
By Arctic Fox Photography

Now I don't deny that burlesque is inherently sexual.  Whenever I see discussions on burlesque, I see attraction get linked to sex though.  It's expected since that's how it works for most people, but it's time to stop assuming that there doesn't exist a small portion of population who do not experience sexual attraction.  Sex can be broken down into scientific steps without any positive or negative connotations.  If I show you a video of two fruit flies engaged in courtship and mating, you're not going to think about lust or desire because they're flies.  Nevertheless, they're still having sex. 

I approach burlesque in the same way I would approach those fly courtship videos: with careful analysis of the specific steps.  This has nothing to do with my scientific background and everything with the fact that I don't typically experience sexual attraction.  It's easier to treat this aspect of human behavior as a research topic because I don’t have much else to go on. 

What I present on stage is sexual in that it typically has something to do with sex—be it the moves, tone, or politics.  That's it.  In a way, I'm going through the motions, but I have enough understanding of human behavior to know what the audience will think I'm suggesting.  Plus there's other emotions and intentions being expressed in my performance.  It becomes a game.  I present an illusion and try to get the audience to see through it into the many non-sexual emotions and concepts I've layered into the routine.  Burlesque, to me, is about power.

I thought this was fitting.
Artwork by Alice X. Zhang

This is where I draw the distinction between me and a sex worker.  Although sex workers can undoubtedly be empowered by what they do, there is an exchange.  At some point, it is up to the client to determine what will happen.  You can argue that burlesque performances are partly influenced by producers and paying audience members, but for those few minutes during which a dancer is on-stage, they are in total control.  It's like the difference between giving a speech in front of a large crowd and having a one-on-one conversation.  You can be great at presentations or acting and yet be socially awkward.  The two situations call for different skills that occasionally overlap.  I have skills and the willingness to do one (burlesque) but not the other (anything that involves an exchange that is sexual), and so I don't consider myself a sex worker at all.

If you're still confused, then perhaps you can take comfort in knowing that I struggle to understand the appeal of sex.  It's not that I don't like it or don't have hormonal urges, but when you don't have that attraction driving you, there's not really a motivation to seek it.  Then you start wondering why sex is everywhere and on everyone's minds.  Some people are just wired differently from the majority of the population, but that's why it's important to listen to their perspectives, as they can broaden your view of the world.

The Birth of Boomer and a New Producer

"This is love. These people loved me. I loved them. I didn't pretend to feel something so I could screw people over. I loved them. And then I betrayed them. I shot a man I loved. Frakked over another man, ruined his life. And why? Because I'm a lying machine. I'm a frakking Cylon!" - Sharon "Boomer" Valerii, Battlestar Galactica

I've never wanted to be a producer—not when I started burlesque, not when I did theatre in college.  In fact, when one of my roommates became a producer for Much Ado About Nothing and the other became the A.D., I helped them out while asserting that I be called "Head Minion" and not "Assistant Producer".  However, as my burlesque (and now drag) journey has revealed, "never" is not actually a permanent term.

Joining the Tuesday Tease production team changed my perspective.  As a producer, I could give back to the community and help provide space for marginalized voices.  Plus I had ideas (and extant producers already had plenty of their own).  I needed a lot of guidance before I was ready to produce, but I also wanted the crew to be aware that I wanted to be more involved.  Therefore when the idea that I co-produce a nerdy Tease with Lillith Grey came forth, I knew it would be time…time for Dawn of the Nerd.  *cue dramatic music*

By Brandy Lynne Photography
www.brandylynnephotography.com

That didn't make the task any more daunting, especially since I wanted to perform too.  Had my routine been anything other than "Birth of Boomer", I probably would have shelved it.  That's because "Birth of Boomer" was a Battlestar Galactica-inspired reverse striptease.  If I performed first and came with hair and make-up ready, I could exit already dressed and ready to step into the boots of a producer.

Ever since I saw Battlestar Galactica, I wanted to dance to the soundtrack.  Bear McCreary's use of percussion just stirs up something inside of me.  I never got to do my belly dance routine to one of his songs, but now I could do a burlesque tribute.

My other inspiration was Stormy Leather's Cylon act.  Her embodiment of a Cylon's dual nature—mechanical and organic, threatening and sexy— really blew me away.  Although it can be easy to fall into the trap of imitating those you admire, I made sure to focus on my vision, which took a different approach to another Cylon character.

By Brandy Lynne Photography
www.brandylynnephotography.com

A reverse strip made the most sense to what I wanted to portray: Cylon resurrection and the creation of the sleeper agent Sharon "Boomer" Valerii.  Bear's music is so primal yet the series takes place in the future—another dichotomy I wanted to portray.  I also decided to make the glowing spine to add a sexy touch to the routine and a reveal.  The tutorial I followed probably did not intend for the wearer to be dancing around nearly nude, and I wound up with more wires than I would have liked.  However, I'm proud of my prototype, as well as the final product that is "Birth of Boomer".

While all of this was happening, I was booking acts for the show.  Lillith helped with the logistics, but I had to come up with the line-up.  I realized that I didn't know as many performers and acts as I had thought and that I might have gone a little too specific with the post-apocalyptic theme.  After experiencing some cancellations, I thought maybe the show was cursed, but I learned that this is the struggle of all producers.

At a show, there's a lot of little things going on backstage that you don't notice until it's your job.  I'm not just talking about the activities of stage kittens and tom cats.  You have to coordinate with the sound person, the host, the stage manager, and the venue.  Also, lists are your best friend.  Next time I'll definitely more prepared.

Despite a couple of hiccups, the show went well.  "Birth of Boomer" was probably an odd opener because people expect clothes to be taken off and it is a more serious number.  However, the Battlestar Galactica fans enjoyed it, and I had fun. 


I was bummed about not being able to celebrate afterward, but I was immensely thankful for all the performers giving 110% out there, the crowd for their enthusiastic support, Friskey Business for managing backstage, and Lillith for her guidance.  While producing is still a scary job to me, I'm willing to give it a shot again.  Before that happens, you can catch me (and my drag clone Tony Fo-Hawk) back at Tuesday Tease next week with all-new routines:

Creating Tony: Went the Distance/ Now I'm Not Gonna Stop

"Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top." - Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

After Tony Fo-Hawk's debut, I figured there would be some time before he reappeared again.  he has a very specific aesthetic that doesn't work with many themes, and I needed time to hone my skills.  I can't just magically recall all the skateboarding and lip synch skills I had fifteen years ago.  Plus I had to focus on Muggle matters (much like what I've been doing as of late).

Photo by KWN Design
(www.facebook.com/KWNdesignPage)

Just as with The Ring, an opportunity I could not resist came my way.  Tuesday Tease had a couple of open spots pop up for their feline-themed show.  I didn't have a cat routine, but in the middle of an experiment, I had an idea: "Eye of the Tiger".  It seemed both ridiculous and perfect.  After I realized that extreme martial arts was not something I could pull off (I can't somersault), I decided that Tony was the kind of guy who could cross-train with mixed martial arts.  The motocross company Metal Mulisha sponsored UFC fighters after all.

Although I had recalled my martial arts knowledge before, this was nothing like my "I'll Make a Man Out of You" routine, which called for fluidity and grace.  No, "Eye of the Tiger" needed to be rough and brutal.  It also called for push-ups, crunches, and chin-ups.  In high school, I messed up my shoulder to where it likes to pop any time I do a normal push-up.  During college, I learned tricep push-ups, and those I could do without feeling like I am going to dislocate my shoulder.  Crunches were easy enough, but chin-ups weren't exactly feasible due to my lack of strength and the lack of a proper bar.  I could, however, fake them on one of the rails in Sue Ellen's.

Putting together this act made me realize how people can enjoy traditional work-outs.  I still prefer dancing, but it's hard to not be pumped by "Eye of the Tiger".  Especially when you walk in like a hooded badass.  Due to the lack of time, I had to resort to buying a Batman robe, but in the end, I like that it's a throwback to "Black Glasses".  It links Tony Fo-Hawk and Hana Li.  Also, it's super warm and comfy (I'm wearing it right now actually).

Photo by KWN Design
(www.facebook.com/KWNdesignPage)

Anyway, I think people got a kick out of the act.  I was excited to hear some guys cheer when I went down for the push-ups since I was worried that my form was bad.  The rigorousness of the act did cause me to slip up on the lip synching so I think I could still use more rehearsing.  It's a good way to trick myself into working out more though, and I've found that some days, I just need to be Tony Fo-Hawk.

When I had committed to doing drag, I was going through some stressful times that only seemed to be getting worse.  Burlesque has been a wonderful escape, but it still reminds me of some doubts I have inside about my femininity and my identity overall.  In a way, I feel that Tony Fo-Hawk is closer to my real self than Hana Li even if I am definitely not that cocky or daring.  That's not to say that Tony is going to take over because Hana is more versatile and has a place right here.  I want to keep Tony pure in the sense that he knows what he wants and does those things.  He's the person I wish I could be when life is complicated; and, as I discovered upon seeing photos of my performance and my selfies, he's the person I want to look like on a regular basis.  Now if only that hair wasn't such a pain to do…