3 upcoming shows

I've got three shows in a row, which is completely bonkers.  However, this is right before I'm going on performing hiatus so gotta go big before I go out.  I might submit to one more show, but it'll be out-of-town and we'll see how I feel after this marathon.

 

No tickets necessary for Glitterbomb.  Bring some extra money for merch, as I'll be selling stuff and donating things to the Genesis Women's Shelter.  (You can also get them on-line here.) 

 

I will only be performing in the Denton stop of the Holiday at Hogwarts 2019 tour.   Show starts at 9 PM and is at Dan's Silverleaf.  Click here for tickets.

Tickets for Viva Dallas Burlesque's Festivus Follies is at this link.

Upcoming show: Asexy Tease

Tonight's show is a special one.  I used to think I was alone in being a grey-asexual burlesque performer, but now I know so many that I can do a showcase in celebration of Asexual Awareness Week. I'll definite write more about this afterwards, but if you can, please come and show your support!

My Ecdysiastic Existential Crisis

It's been a while, huh?  Until recently, I hadn't gone anywhere: I was just burning myself into a pile of ashes.  It's pretty jarring to listen to someone talking about their burn-out on NPR and recognizing their symptoms as what you feel.  The worst part was that I had no remedy until disappearing for basically two weeks on vacation.

It didn't help that I felt like I peaked
with my debut in 2014.
Photo by Cher Musico

Even if I view burlesque as a hobby, the professionalism and dedication required to be a successful burlesque performer and producer makes it another job.  Being burned-out from my primary job led to burn-out in my side hustle, and that was leading to self-sabotage.  I was failing at time management, and I could see the quality of my performances declining with the increased excuses of being "too tired" to rehearse.  It was becoming difficult to remain positive as I got rejected from gigs.  Then the cycle kept feeding into itself.

The vacation, which included a bit of unplugging, should have recharged me.  In my day job, I had resolved to draw better boundaries.  Additionally I was sleeping and eating better.  The only aspect of my life that seemed to be stuck was burlesque.  I was wondering if the burlesque world needed me—if I needed burlesque in my life.  Those two are intrinsically linked in the world of performance.  I can spend as much time as I want bumping and grinding in my living room or a studio, but there's no point to dropping a bunch of money and spending hours making a costume that no one will see.  Thus I was left with a question: what do I do?

My peers were recommending that I take a break, but it's what I had been doing since the end of July, half willingly and half unwillingly (in that I just wasn't booking gigs).  Plus I've talked about going on a break before, only to change my mind when I get an idea for an act to submit or see an opportunity I can't miss.  Continue, pause, quit— the options kept cycling through my mind until Olympic snowboarder Chloe Kim made an announcement:

I knew she had been planning a hiatus, but hearing her say it herself shed light on my situation.  A break doesn't have to be permanent, and I should have confidence in my ability to come back even if the burlesque world keeps getting more competitive.  I can continue dancing and even working on routines, but I'll step away from submitting to so many shows.  Forget this "Book one show a month goal".  2020 will be a more passive year but no less productive (I say 2020 because I already have some upcoming shows and plans to the end of 2019 and the first Tease of 2020). 

Moreover, burlesque was going take second priority in my hobbies.  I'm going to pursue more action sports, which will always be my first love despite ending up on the backburner many times. Instead of attending shows, I wanna go to more skate/BMX events, or even just stay at home to check out their debut in the Olympics.  Before my vacation, I took up skateboarding, and I've resolved to be more fearless, as I used to hold back for fear of injury. 

This break also means Tony Fo-Hawk
will be harder to pin down, but
you can't get rid of him that easily.
Photo by Tanya Forno

Boy did I eat my words.  I'm currently nursing a pulled quad from a fall that happened.  I wasn't even doing anything risky; I was merely not paying close enough attention.  Had I not been so inspired by Chloe's video and my experience in Minneapolis, where I couldn't get any burlesque gigs but had the time of my life at the X Games and entering a drag contest, I would have returned to my original dilemma.  Don't get me wrong: I have my grumpy and bummed moods at being semi-immobile.  However, I'm more determined to get back on my skateboard and focus on grinding of a different sort (okay I'm not quite there yet, but I can dream).

I've returned here only to somewhat go away for a bit in the performance-sense.  I think I might start writing more again because I won't be so worked up in trying to finish an act or prepare for a show.  So you won't be rid of Hana Li just yet.

The Ugly Side of the Sparkle

"When the Stranger says: 'What is the meaning of this city?

Do you huddle close together because you love each other?'

What will you answer? 'We all dwell together

To make money from each other'? or 'This is a community'?"
- "The Rock" by T.S. Eliot

If you've been following this blog, then you know how much of a positive effect burlesque has had on my life.  However, life can't always be rainbows and glitter.  Plus, anybody who has tried to wash glitter off garments or furniture (or themselves) knows that there's a price to pay with the sparkles.

First, there's going to be haters and creeps.  Not everyone is going to have tact, but we still have to be professional.  Nevertheless, that doesn't mean we shouldn't stick up for ourselves and our fellow performers.  We can be firm, and yes, we can teach people a lesson about not slut-shaming or sending dick pics or just being straight-up rude.

Unsavory audience members are easy to deal with compared to the toxins from within.  We can easily say that we'll boycott problematic shows and blacklist performers, but it's another thing to put that into action.  What happens when that person is in a position of power/influence?  Or what do you do about the positive contributions that they have made?  What about their supports, who could easily be victims as well?

Even though I'm not going to go into specifics here, I definitely think we have to start conversations about problematic individuals.  There's so much criticism of social media and call-out culture, but as a loner, I can tell you how hard it is to find out information when no one talks about it publicly.  Of course, trying to confront the problem privately is important, but information that could keep an up-and-coming performer from ruining their careers or being exploited should be made known.  Same goes when those from marginalized groups are taken advantage of.  A community should look out for all its members.

At the same time, remember to look out for yourself.  Learning to draw the line between friendship and a business relationship has been tough for me.  Although there are individuals who can occupy both spaces, I still have to address them based on the situation.  There are some people I want to help because they're my friend, but they are a liability to me as a producer.  On the flip side, there are some—okay, a lot—of people whom are more co-workers than friends.  As a result, I know they're not always going to be there for me, and I don't expect them to show up unless I've hired them.  The ideal of a community is for its members to support one another, but I find that's a lot to ask for so I'll just take what I can get from the people who do show up on their own accord.

This harsh reality doesn't mean we can't try to make our burlesque scenes better for everyone.  We can—really we must— talk about discrimination.  We have to make rules about sexual harassment and offensive acts.  If we made a mistaken, then we should own up to it and move forward with corrected action.  We should hold others accountable while also moving forward.  It's easier said than done.  If it weren't for the instruction, opportunity, or even support (no matter how superficial or disingenuous it actually was) they provided, I would not be the performer I am today.  I've learned that there's a way to move on from them while still giving credit where it's due:
1. mentioning the person or event but not tagging them
2. not working with them in the future
3. telling my own story, which could be positive, while also acknowledging those who have been hurt.

I don't have all the answers, only hard lessons I've learned.  What works for me doesn't work for everyone (or even anyone, given how much of a loner I am).  Despite some of the cynical ideas I have about humankind, I still believe that when we work hard, stay authentic, and do good, things will work out in the end.  It translates into art that people will connect with, and that's how you'll get seen.

Upcoming shows: Tuesday Tease and Texas Queerlesque Festival

Back from vacation and ready to roll!  Tony Fo-Hawk performs tonight at Tuesday Tease, bringing a little table-top RPG action to the board game-themed show.

Then on Friday, I am performing in the third annual Texas Queerlesque Festival! 

Click here for tickets.  There are many options if you want to join the other festivities.  I'll be helping with workshop setup on Saturday and will be taking classes throughout the weekend.

Body Acceptance series - Hair

"I just wanna be myself, and I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself, and I want you to know
I am my hair" - Lady Gaga, "Hair" 

It's been a long time since I've done a Body Acceptance post.  This one was tricky because I have a long history of loving and hating my hair.  And hair is covers a lot! (pun intended)

For the majority of my life, people have been sending messages about what to do with my hair.  My classmates talked about how "gross" they felt when they didn't shave their legs or when they couldn't wash their hair every week.  I got bullied for not shaving my legs and having greasy hair. My dad laughed at my hairy thighs, and my mom forced me to shave my armpits after preteen me told her that American women shaved.  A Mary Kay salesperson teaching a friend and me how to apply makeup for prom told me to wax my eyebrows, and one of my friends in college insisted on tweezing them.  The Companion, during a more immature time, once requested that I trim my pubic hair, and to this day, a flash of pubic hair could get a show shut down.

Being an anxious perfectionist, I was doomed to develop a discomfort with my naked body and a terrible relationship with my hair.  I didn't want to do burlesque because I felt too hairy, and thus too ugly.  I couldn't see myself stripping down to a G-string, as those strips of fabric never to covered enough.

Then I started to learn about dancers who bucked societal norms.  It began with the belly dance community, namely Unmata, who had tattoos and unshaven armpits.  In burlesque, I discovered Rubyyy Jones, who stopped shaving her armpits and even wore a hairy merkin for an act.  At Viva Dallas Burlesque's DC vs. Marvel show, I met Shan de Leers who was on her own journey to reclaim her body through not shaving.  I started wondering if I could do the same.

By this point, my dermatitis had me not shaving my legs out of necessity, and thanks to the queerlesque community, I was slowly growing okay with it.  However, I've never truly had hairy legs, just dark hair.  The real test would be when I stopped shaving my armpits, a decision I made at the end of August as I prepared for Glitterbomb's Hair show.  I would be telling my story.

Glitterbomb: Hair
Photo by Kristen Gaddis

The act was a reverse strip based on the premise of getting ready for a show.  I wore my long black wig to symbolize how long and thick hair represents femininity and the struggle I have with my mom every time I want to cut my hair.  Although the inclusion of my samba costume was motivated by a desire to recycle an essentially retired outfit, I must confess other motives.  It was my most glamorous ensemble, and it symbolized a difficult thought that lingered in my mind with regards to all the troupes I joined or considered joining.  Despite the support I received, I still felt pressure to shave in order to not distract from the troupe aesthetic.  In a group, you have to consider everyone else in addition to yourself.  Maybe this is why I prefer going solo— in burlesque and in life.

Glitterbomb provided the perfect venue for this new step.  The audience has always been ultra supportive, and some of my fellow queerlesquers didn't shave.  Plus the hair theme was perfect!  The gods might have been sending me a message that it was time.

Photo by Saraphimart

I never looked back… at least when it came to armpit and leg hair.  It's an extra reveal and a way to challenge audience members who have certain expectations of beauty.  I still worry about my pubic hair making an unexpected appearance and causing an issue, but I can solve that issue with costuming and safety thongs.  As for the hair on my head, it's another beast.

My photos for the Esteemed project cover how complex my struggles with hair have been.  Anytime I wear my long black wig and get a compliment on how good I look with long hair, I start feeling a tinge of regret.  Then I see fellow performers with undercuts and shaved sides, and I wonder if I'll ever be brave enough to do that.  Lately, as I embrace my genderfluid identity and do more drag, I'm more assertive about getting shorter, more masculine cuts.  I also try not to go into hairdressers with too specific expectations because that would lead to dissatisfaction and more angst over being too shy to let them know.  There are always wigs, I tell myself.  We're just working on acceptance after all.

Ironically, my drag self has a hair-related name.  I take the Pink approach with Tony Fo-Hawk in that one's hair does not have to match the name.  Speaking of the extreme dude with perpetual helmet hair, you can catch him tomorrow night at Glitterbomb.

Upcoming shows: Tuesday Tease and Whedonism VII

Tomorrow night, I'm performing in a special Tuesday Tease.  It's our nerdiest showdown ever: Star Wars vs. Star Trek.  This is your chance to catch my Poe Dameron act if you weren't able to make it to Viva Dallas Burlesque.

Then on Friday, I'm performing out of state for the very first time!  You heard right.  I'm heading over to Washington DC to join the Evil League of Ecdysiasts for their 7th Whedonism show.  I'll be debuting a brand new act, along with performing the Black Widow number I talked about in my last post.  If you're in DC or Virginia, this is your chance to see me in person!  Click here for tickets.

There's a lot of prep for the show (along with lots of work to get done in lab) so I haven't updated as frequently as I wanted.  However, I'll be back with new blog posts when I get home.